Saturday, April 30, 2016

Bleeding in Silence

If it were even possible to convey to all of you just how much I have learned over these past 7 years being a mother, it would take a lifetime to share it-truly. Every day I become more & more convinced that a mother is one of God's most extraordinary & complex creations of all time. The amount of respect I hold for mothers, based off of the personal experiences I have now gone through firsthand & the ones I have heard secondhand through some of the many mothers I have been so blessed to come in my life over the past few years-I am just astounded with complete admiration & wonderment. Their strength is so inspiring, even in their very weakest of weak moments they are still some of the strongest people I have EVER seen. The level of admiration I now have for my own mother....through the roof.

That is what I want to dive further into tonight, many mothers are silent bleeders. I'm not sure if this is deemed a strength or a weakness to be honest. Recently, I have gone through one of the greatest personal struggles of my entire life, I mean entire life, & I guarantee maybe three people knew...If that. I just kept on, pushed on, handled my business, while inside I literally felt like I was bleeding & everything in me felt like it was on the brink of implosion. Over the years I have been absolutely shocked to learn of some of the struggles other moms have silently fought through, not shocked by disgust or judgement, but more of an absolute AWE that they made it out "alive" & got through it. Some struggles I just never would have guessed in a millions years. I almost wanted to scream at them & pull them in close after hearing-"You didn't have to go through that alone!", "How I love you & wish I would have known you then. I would have been there for you!".

So often mommas put themselves on the back burner, so often they are so busy helping out everyone else around them that they suffer in silence. If we only knew half of the stories, struggles, tears, that the mothers we pass by every single day have experienced or are still carrying with them...It would be overwhelming. So many silent slices & dices to their very hearts' core-so many pressures, unknown miscarriages, battles with depression, crippling anxieties,  abortions, cases of adultery, money struggles, battles with kids, health scares & I could spend hours upon hours listing so much more. Mothers carry it all, not only their own burdens, but the burdens of all whom they love & care for as well. Its astounding! Its overwhelming! I remember the moment I held my 1st baby, my heart literally hurt with how much love I felt for this lil' thing. It was that moment it became so real to me that everything she ever felt in her life, I would be feeling too-the good & the bad. Here I am now 5 more children later.....It is so real...too real at times just how much I love & care for them beyond myself.

This all being said, I have also come to realize, now more than ever, how important it is to not carry all of that stuff alone. Mommas are truly the strongest beings in this entire world I believe, but even the strongest need help too. As mothers YES we can do it all on our own, but we don't have to. It can just be too much to bear. At this time in my life being someone who struggles so much with asking for help or opening up to people, I am slowly coming to terms now that I am just going to have to learn. They say "Let go & let God" so casually, but it is the honest truth. Matthew 11:28, 1 Peter 5:7, are just a few of the scriptures that explain just how important it is to not carry it all on our own.

I've also been learning as I get deeper into mommy-hood & just being a woman in general, how important it is (especially as mothers) to reach outside of your own "bubble". I can barely balance everything on my plate now being a family of 8 (not many understand this, but let me assure you at times I feel like I can't possible fit in one more thing or person). If I wanted to find an excuse to not reach out it would be so simple, but its not right and I have to learn to. We need each other, we weren't meant to do life alone. Its not always easy to put yourself out there, to reach out of your comfort zone & reach out to others. But we need to. I am not saying to become the town crier and let everyone in the world in on your business, NO, but living on an island is not right either. 

I use to always think I wasn't a "real girl". Let me explain that, I met so many different women as I was growing up that could not have been further from the way I am & my personality & priorities. Hair always impeccable, clothed to the "t", & into many things that I honestly could not relate to even if I wanted to.... No judgement towards them at all, but I found myself being completely polar opposite from the main stream of women. But over the years as I have been exposed to more & more women & mommas specifically, I have realized that I am not an "oddball" & there are some people out there I can relate to as a woman & as a mommy-People who are a lil' more like me. It takes all flavors, no one is better than the other, I was just kind of excited to realize I was not alone. There is a group of women & mommas out there that roll like me- that I can relate to & that can relate to me a lil' more easily. Variety is good.

Now, I still have a ways to go when it comes to completely opening up & casting my fears & cares, but I am getting there. I am realizing that the things I have gone through & am still going through can help others & just being there for others & hearing what they have gone through or are going through can be such a help & support for me too. I just have such a strong passion for mothers, it grows stronger daily as I get deeper into mother-hood myself & get to know more & more amazing women.

My hope is that mothers stop bleeding as much in silence, I know how painful it can be. I hope we can all work harder at trying to lay down those loads & finding some peace. Life is beautiful & too short to spend overwhelmed & constant pain.

-M&M Momma