Saturday, January 19, 2019

Our Boys, Zeal and Zac

In the span of all but five minutes to find out YES you are in fact pregnant with your eighth child, oh wait guess what? It’s twins, so 8th and 9th, and wait it’s also the most rare and extremely high risk form of twins there is (1 in 60,000 pregnancies) and they have less than a 50% chance they will survive but you have to go through the pregnancy anyway ready or not this is your new normal. 

It was an extremely challenging 3 months mentally, physically, and all the things. Despite the news we stood in faith, did all we possibly could do, and did our very best to imagine our new life with twins and “find happy”.

Unfortunately, our twins boys, Zeal and Zac, did not make it and I have no words to express the pain both emotionally and physically I am currently feeling or describe all that I had to go through the worst 24 hrs of my entire life. It honestly feels like I will never be okay again. I feel so numb. I feel so angry. I feel so guilty. I feel so sad. Yes, I have 7 living healthy children and I know that is rare and I am extremely grateful but it doesn’t ease the pain of this loss, double loss, at all.

I will never forget the horror in my husbands voice as I told him over the phone, the denial that this could possibly be happening to us. I will never forget the look of immense sadness on my face when I saw him for the first time. I have never seen such torture and pain and I was reminded this wasn't just happening to me-it was happening to us. At that moment I felt such guilt. Justin had been nothing but my rock throughout the whole pregnancy. I was so sick I was hardly able to even function most days, but he was always right there never once complaining. When fear tried to set in, Justin was that calming voice that always brought me back to what we were believing for. He was so excited for these twins, so excited. I felt almost as if it was me who had let him down. And my kids, they had endured months of me being sick, laying in bed constantly, missing performances, practices, being champions picking up the slack and helping one another. They are the most amazing children on this planet. I felt such guilt for them. They were so excited. How was I suppose to even begin to tell them? But before all that, Justin and I were about to experience a challenge that no parent, mother especially, should ever have to experience.

I appreciate one of my dearest friends driving right over to talk with me at the hospital the moment I called her before the really tough stuff began. I could never put into words how grateful I am for my amazing husband who despite his immense pain stood strong for me through the long and traumatic process and helped me make the tough decisions that no parent should ever have to make. I will forever be in debt to my two amazing nurses who went above and beyond the call of duty and even stayed past their shifts to see me though. I’m so thankful to my family for watching my kids for a lot longer than we expected. I am thankful to my children (including Zane who busted his chin open and required stitches while we were away) for being such effective and deeply healing medicine that no dr could ever prescribe-For handling it all with maturity and inspiring strength. And I appreciate the friends who stepped up to get our children to all the things while we grieved, who sent messages, sent over meals, flowers,  and so much more to help ease our load and continue to do so as the days slowly go on.

I keep telling myself I’ll be okay and people keep calling me “strong” and a “warrior” even though I feel 100% the opposite. I actually feel like a failure. Yes, I know that’s not true. People could tell me that a million times,but it’s hard to hear and to believe when I feel so helpless. I don’t want this to be the “note” adding to our family ends on. It’s hard to even pray right now to be honest, but I know it wasn’t God and I know he doesn’t cease to be good. I have a lot of questions that won’t be answered for a long time from now, but I have no choice but to wait and seek that peace. A situation that was so evil, some good will be found somewhere. My family will rise from the ashes. I'm believing from this situation that tears up some marriages, it will only bring my husband and I closer and make us stronger. We will fight that much harder to raise up this next generation that passionately seeks God and impacts beyond their years. My children will be testimonies that in situations where we could choose to be biter, they will overcome and be better! Their faith will be so strong, mountains will be moved. We will never forget these boys, but I will not allow myself to live a life of fear or let this consume me forever, but dang.... I will strive every day to make those boys proud of me. I will cling to the hope that my husband and I will meet them someday and they will know us and know how deeply they were loved and wanted by all of us.

What do I need right, people keep asking. I guess the only answer is time and “space”. Like I’m not ready to talk about it, I hope people can respect that. I dread someone not knowing the situation and asking how the pregnancy is going? Having to explain everything, ugh. Seeing newborn babies is going to make me extremely sad for awhile, because I know I was robbed of holding my own two. I can’t help but wish I hadn’t gotten so far on a level, everyone starting to get so excited, the pregnancy being announced to the world-that was such a step of faith for me that people may never understand, putting it all out there despite odds and statistics....

I find a small comfort in knowing I’m not alone-That other women have been through similar situations and have been able to eventually carry on after such overwhelming heartache, but today from where I sit right now I just can’t fathom it yet. My arms ache for them in a way I can’t even put into words.

I keep telling myself, give yourself time. Will it ever get easier? It has to. All I can do right now is look up and hope. Just so thankful right now for the 7 kids I have here and my husband-the only person who even has an idea what this experience really was like to walk though from start to “finish”-my best friend in the entire world, my everything. I love him more today than ever before and could not take even another breath or walk even one step without his help right now. Our family will come out stronger through this very unfortunate situation. We will rely on God and rest in the fact that He will work this situation out for our good. We were robbed, but we won’t continue to live in that. We can’t let ourselves.

Zeal: Devotion to God
Zac: Remembered by God

Isaiah 40:29-31

All eleven of us

Photos By: Mackenzie Koos