Mud Pies & Minivans: The Struggle Is REAL.

Now, I am sure many people are not going to understand this post. Some people may even want to call me crazy, but I am going to write about it anyway because for me "the struggle" is real.Very real in fact. Maybe this has been brought on, or amplified for me, because of the fact that I have had my last baby...EVER. Man that hurts to say/type. Yes, I am fully aware that I have 6 children & I do treasure every single of 1 of them more than anything in this whole entire world, but the thought that I am officially done is beyond hard for me to wrap my mind around. Apparently, it is for my kiddos too because they are already putting in their requests for a 7th.

I have always done my very best to fully drink in every single second of this parenting thing. Going through firsts with our first child has been just as special watching them happen with our 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, & now 6th child. Being a parent is the greatest gift I have ever been given & I have loved every second. I just have a huge heart for children & big families, always have. But in addition to having kids being the absolute sweetest experience of my life, it is also going by WAY too quickly. I know every parent probably feels this way, but I am telling you right now I am currently REALLY feeling it. I look at my 6 year old & can not believe she is already 6! Wasn't she just born? Holding that lil' preemie in my arms for the first time & feeling my heart be on the absolute brink of explosion, never feeling so much love for a human being in my life, I will never forget it. Now, experiencing that 6 times over?!? There are just no words for it, my heart is SO FULL it almost hurts sometimes. There are 6 people in this world that have my heart for the rest of my life & some. There are 6 people I would do anything for & give anything to protect.

Lately, I do not know how many times I have cried thinking about these sweet human beings & just feeling like I can't drink them in enough.The level of joy they bring to my lives & those around them is simply immeasurable! Hearing my husband talking about making an appointment for THE procedure, hurts my heart. Its so final. Every time I experience a first with Baby Z, it hurts me so much to think it is the last "first" I will every experience as a mommy. I packed up Baby Z's newborn clothes the other day, an ocean of tears was definitely shed. Seeing those darn baby videos pop up in my FB news feed, photo birth announcements, a newborn cry, etc....Its a hard chapter to close. Will it ever really feel closed? I remember a conversation I had with a fellow mom while I was pregnant this last time & she was saying how she cries every time she passes the baby clothes at a store. Now, I understand. I could totally see that being me. My ovaries aching every time I get to hold & smell a newborn baby. I can't help that I don't look forward to not being woken up by the girls' lil' giggles every morning. I can't help that I will deeply miss the sounds of lil' plastic high heels dancing across the tile. I will miss having a fridge covered in masterpieces made by my kiddos & not 1 toy laying across my living room floor. I will miss all those cute words they mispronounced & the nuggets of great wisdom toddlers bestow upon you at the most random times.

I know this is the end of 1 chapter & the beginning of a whole new 1, but THE STRUGGLE is real. Not everyone will understand this & some people will just try to "fix it" for me & reassure me everything will be just fine & I will get over it soon, but its just something I really am trying to deal with right now & its real to me. I know there are so many different wonderful phases of parenthood I have ahead to experience & I greatly look forward to experiencing every single one of them. But man, this type of baby blues is relentless right now. I love & appreciate how my husband tries so hard to understand it, but the truth is he really can't. He really never will. I know for some moms yes it is sad, but they are ready to move on. Why do I not feel that "ready" feeling yet? In time....Just not yet.

Just thought I would share in case its not just me.

-M&M Momma