Well, before I begin this post let me just say that I am not just passionate about this topic because I am not the 1st born, lol. My passion for this topic has definitely intensified the more children I have had & the more situations & feelings I have gotten to observe in action.
Its just a fact, oldest tend to get to do things first & stuff tends to happen to them first. They have simply been on this planet longer than their siblings & sometimes it is just kind of how things work out. They will get to go to school before their other siblings, they will lose a tooth first, they will probably get to experience their first slumber first, get new clothing first, watch a big kid movie first, & be the first for a lot of other things in life. While this is great & some "firsts" can't be avoided being handed to the oldest child, I do think that as parents we need to be very careful that the oldest never develops an attitude of entitlement & the younger children don't develop a sadness or defeated feeling as they begin to notice this about their oldest sibling or even a resentment (and YES they will start to notice).
As I stated earlier, the oldest is going to get a lot of stuff first, its pretty much unavoidable, but I also think it is a good idea to help them realize that their other siblings are just as important and sometimes they will be the ones who get the opportunity experience things first. Everyone deserves a chance to shine & learning to be happy for others is a big deal & a part of good character. Will it always be easy? No. But trying your best is what matters. We are owed nothing & the more our children grasp this fact the better. Modeling this ourselves & nurturing an attitude of gratitude in all of our children is a huge deal. Even youngest can be very susceptible to an entitled attitude. A lot of times they receive less harsh consequences & just get away with much more because they are the last, the baby. But creating as even of a playing field as possible is important. Is life going to be completely fair? Absolutely not & it is important for children to learn this also. But as parents if we go in being aware that the playing board is already starting out extremely uneven one way or the other, we can do our best to even it out just a little.
Some small things to be aware of as a parent is the tendency to take more video & pictures of the oldest children. Lets be honest, it just gets harder & harder to keep up on that stuff as more children come along, but the younger children will notice. Often feeling more hurt than angry about it. Austin & Adley in particular just stop everything when they hear me say I have a picture of them or a video to show them of when they were an infant. The joyful expressions that run across their faces when they realize at one time they were THE BABY is so sweet. I am so glad I took the time to capture those moments for them. Am I as on top of printing them out as I was for the oldests, not yet? But I am trying & at least I have them.
Extra curriculars. Now when I had just Aidann & Asher, it was so easy to have them involved in absolutely everything. I had so much more time & money to do it all. They did dance, cheer, t-ball, soccer, Gymboree, swim, & everything else under the sun. Anytime any enriching event or show popped up, we were there in a heartbeat-first in line. Fast forward to so many years & children later, I still try my very best to expose the younger ones to lots of different experiences & have them involved in lots of activities. Is it harder? YES, much harder. Now our money, time, & energy is split 6 way instead of just 2, but I see the value in it.
Just recently we decided to put the two youngest girls in cheer. The older 2 did it for one season & it was overall just a great experience for them that I am so glad we did. Fast forward to now, let me be real, getting them to practice some days is a big pain in the butt. Loading all 6 kiddos up in the car in the middle of summer to get to just a 45 minute cheer session!?! BUT I have seen such huge benefits. I think it is so good the younger 2 girls get a chance to shine on their own, because it is often about the older 2. The oldest are also presented with the opportunity to be happy for their lil' sisters & "cheer" them on. Adley was already loud, but man that lil' firecracker's confidence has bloomed even more during this process & Austin gets a chance to really play the role of big sister & lead.
A few other small steps you can take as a parent to help combat any entitlement issues or jealously issues in any of your children is by "messing up the order". On purpose I try not to always let the oldest do things first, but I change up the order of things whenever I can. We take our children on individual dates throughout the month, I try to make it random who gets to go first. Even giving the "middles" a chance to experience going first. When a chance to experience something new for my kids comes along, I think it is good sometimes to pick one kid to go & give them that special opportunity to come back home & share with their siblings the special experience they had (not in a bragging way of course). Aidann recently went to Firehouse Subs for the first time & it was so cute to hear her comeback & try to describe it to her siblings & they were all so happy for her. Adley gets all the cutest hand-me-downs in the world from her sisters, but just recently we decided to take her to Carters & let her pick out some new clothes & shoes that she wanted. The pure joy on her face as she went down the aisles & made her special selections was everything. It was a small gesture to let her know she is super special & sometimes it can be just about her for a moment. Also, when it comes to birthdays I encourage all the kids early on to start planning for that sibling on what we should do, saving their money to help buy them a present, make a big deal about making their siblings a birthday card. Again, I want my kids to know that YES sometimes it will be about you, but other times it is about others & we need to try our best to be happy for them even when at times it may be hard.
The primary focus of this post just touched the very surface on trying to combat any of your children feeling inherently deserving just within your family, but I do realize it stretches so far beyond that in a society that is so focused on self, wants, & things. Baby steps.
-M&M Momma
Some small things to be aware of as a parent is the tendency to take more video & pictures of the oldest children. Lets be honest, it just gets harder & harder to keep up on that stuff as more children come along, but the younger children will notice. Often feeling more hurt than angry about it. Austin & Adley in particular just stop everything when they hear me say I have a picture of them or a video to show them of when they were an infant. The joyful expressions that run across their faces when they realize at one time they were THE BABY is so sweet. I am so glad I took the time to capture those moments for them. Am I as on top of printing them out as I was for the oldests, not yet? But I am trying & at least I have them.
Extra curriculars. Now when I had just Aidann & Asher, it was so easy to have them involved in absolutely everything. I had so much more time & money to do it all. They did dance, cheer, t-ball, soccer, Gymboree, swim, & everything else under the sun. Anytime any enriching event or show popped up, we were there in a heartbeat-first in line. Fast forward to so many years & children later, I still try my very best to expose the younger ones to lots of different experiences & have them involved in lots of activities. Is it harder? YES, much harder. Now our money, time, & energy is split 6 way instead of just 2, but I see the value in it.
Just recently we decided to put the two youngest girls in cheer. The older 2 did it for one season & it was overall just a great experience for them that I am so glad we did. Fast forward to now, let me be real, getting them to practice some days is a big pain in the butt. Loading all 6 kiddos up in the car in the middle of summer to get to just a 45 minute cheer session!?! BUT I have seen such huge benefits. I think it is so good the younger 2 girls get a chance to shine on their own, because it is often about the older 2. The oldest are also presented with the opportunity to be happy for their lil' sisters & "cheer" them on. Adley was already loud, but man that lil' firecracker's confidence has bloomed even more during this process & Austin gets a chance to really play the role of big sister & lead.
A few other small steps you can take as a parent to help combat any entitlement issues or jealously issues in any of your children is by "messing up the order". On purpose I try not to always let the oldest do things first, but I change up the order of things whenever I can. We take our children on individual dates throughout the month, I try to make it random who gets to go first. Even giving the "middles" a chance to experience going first. When a chance to experience something new for my kids comes along, I think it is good sometimes to pick one kid to go & give them that special opportunity to come back home & share with their siblings the special experience they had (not in a bragging way of course). Aidann recently went to Firehouse Subs for the first time & it was so cute to hear her comeback & try to describe it to her siblings & they were all so happy for her. Adley gets all the cutest hand-me-downs in the world from her sisters, but just recently we decided to take her to Carters & let her pick out some new clothes & shoes that she wanted. The pure joy on her face as she went down the aisles & made her special selections was everything. It was a small gesture to let her know she is super special & sometimes it can be just about her for a moment. Also, when it comes to birthdays I encourage all the kids early on to start planning for that sibling on what we should do, saving their money to help buy them a present, make a big deal about making their siblings a birthday card. Again, I want my kids to know that YES sometimes it will be about you, but other times it is about others & we need to try our best to be happy for them even when at times it may be hard.
The primary focus of this post just touched the very surface on trying to combat any of your children feeling inherently deserving just within your family, but I do realize it stretches so far beyond that in a society that is so focused on self, wants, & things. Baby steps.
-M&M Momma
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