In Gymboree class this week I got into a conversation with a mommy that was so pregnant she looked like she was "ready to pop". The conversation started off with her "venting" how absolutely miserable she felt being pregnant in the summertime. I can honestly say I know exactly how she was feeling (been there, done that, got the t-shirt 3x's. She is due late Oct). She also started telling me how terrified she was at the thought of being the mom of more than 1 child.
Like every mommy about to venture into being the parent of multiple children she was feeling overwhelmed by the normal worries- "How can I possibly love them the same?", "How can I juggle it all?", Is giving them all equal attention even possible?", "What if there are jealously issues?", "Will I be able to provide", "Can I do it?" & so forth. I think it is so natural for women to feel apprehensive before taking on this new adventure in life. She asked me if there was any advice I could give to her & so here I am & here is tonight's topic.
I think that before you do anything, just take a deep breath & realize you can do it! Don't let it overwhelm you because the fact that you a concerned shows you have all the passion in the world to do whatever it takes to make it work/happen!
First of all, preparation is everything. In addition to getting the room ready & all the needed baby upplies, you need to also focus on preparing your child for their new sibling. I think for younger kids dolls are a great idea. Starting to show your toddler the different things babies need (how they are held, how to feed them a bottle, burping them, bathing them, swaddling them, etc) & especially teaching them how to be gentle. It is also a good idea to get your child around other babies so they can understand how they cry,but it is okay. There is also some great literature out there to help prepare your child for their new sibling & great literature for you as well! Make sure your toddler feels as involved in the process as possible like helping pick out a few outfits, feeling the baby kick, getting the room ready, if they are older attending ultrasounds (if you think it might potentially freak them out, don’t do it-lol). Its just really important to keep talking to your child ahead of time & try to prepare them as much as possible so they are less shocked when the baby finally arrives. Explain how you need them to be your big helper & what a HUGE deal it is. Buying them “I’m a big sister” or “big brother” shirt is always fun.
An extremely important tip is to make sure you do not make any huge life changes if at all possible right when the baby is born (potty training, weaning hem from the pacifier or bottle. etc). Simultaneously weaning your toddler off a pacifier or bottle & adding in a new sibling can actual make the child blame their new sibling & actually resent them on a level. Sounds crazy, but it is true. Also, if you aren't going to be able to stay consistent with potty training, wait until things settle down before starting it up with your toddler. Lack of consistency is definitely not what they need right when a new sibiling is born.
I was in an extra tricky situation since my girls were Aid & Ash were born only 12 months apart & then Ash & Aussie were only born 13 months apart. I decided to wean them off their bottle starting at 10 months old (each time before their new sibling arrived) & then allowed them to only have their pacifier at nap or nighttime until completely weaning them from that after everyone was settled in with the newborn (usually 17 or 18 months old).
Once the new baby comes, I totally suggest involving the older sibling in caring for the baby as much as possible. You want them to see the new baby as a great new addition to family & not as their competitor (vying for attention from daddy or especially mommy). Have them “help” give the baby a bath, pick out what clothes baby should wear, rock them, etc. Constantly offer up praises about what a great big brother or sister they are & how great it is to havesuch a good helper. Sometimes are toddlers aren’t going to be able to help with every activity (breastfeeding for example) so maybe at this time you could have them come “read” a story to you or draw you a picture while you are waiting for baby to finish up so you have your hands free again. I think when you add a new addition to the family you definitely have to make a strong effort to make that special time for your toddler, 1 on 1. Sometimes this requires a lil’ creativity on your behalf or sacrificing a nap, but the payoff will be huge. Remember the baby isn’t going to remember this time as much as your toddler is so if daddy can do something for the baby while you assist to your toddler, go for it! Kids need their mommy especially at this time.
Schedules are an absolute lifesaver when you are a mommy. Try to stick as closely to the pre-baby schedule as you can, but obviously some changes here & there will be necessary. Toddlers are really going to long for security & consistency through this huge adjustment in their life, so try your best. Getting the baby on a schedule as quickly as possible is also a huge help! I have all 3 of my girls’ naptimes simultaneously at 11 or 1130 & it is a wonderful. Even if your older child doesn’t “need” a nap anymore, a lil’ quite time in a room is good for everyone. I also think an important key to functioning with multiple kids is prepartion & organization! Packing diaper bags & setting out clothes the night before, planning all meals way in advance, keeping a calendar of everyones activities for the month, & getting ready for every event 2 1/2 hour before you need to leave are all extremely helpful! Also, plan for the unexpected at all times! With multiple kids, odd things just happen at the most random times-Shoe straps breaking (Ash :)), diapers leaking, & so forth. I have an emergency bag in the car at all times lol!
Some great tips for having a baby that I have gotten, followed to a “t”, & have proved tremendously helpful are-1) Making everyone be quiet when the new baby is asleep. Let that baby learn to sleep through noise, it pays off. Need to vacuum, then vacuum lol. 2) Rocking your baby to sleep every time & hold them until they fall asleep is not always the most productive thing in the long run. Babies need to learn how to sooth themselves to sleep. It will prove to be extremely hard at 1st to let them dry it out for a 2nd, but in the end you will see you are really helping them. 3) Everyone knows this 1, but it is often the least followed through with-Do not allow baby to sleep with you. First of all, it is dangerous. Newborns can smoother so easily & when you are exhausted all though it is easiest to just keep them in bed with you-Its not best! It will also make it harder to wean them into sleeping in their own bed later on. When you have a newborn, allowing them to sleep in the bed with you will also take away from vital alone time with your husband. When you are breastfeeding it is especially hard & we can have all the excuses in the world, but babies need to sleep in their own bed. The 1st 3 months, because the baby wakes up so often, I keep a bassinet in our room for them to sleep in at night but make them sleep in their crib during the day. Once they hit 4 months, then my husband & I start putting in their crib at night as well. Trust me, it is harder on you than it is on them.
All 3 of my girls sleep together & as soon as people find that out they ask, “How do you do it?”. Well, 1st of all they have a gate in their bedroom doorway so that they can’t get out in the middle of the night, I have every potentially dangerous piece of furniture securely fastened to the wall, & no possible choking object in the room at all (for the older girls safety, but also in case they were to bestow their lil’ sister with a small gift). They all sleep together & do not wake each other up because since birth for each of them I was never quiet to they could sleep. Therefore, they can all sleep through any crying or noise their other sibling might make. I love having all my girls sleep together & even though they could all have their own room I have seen nothing but great things from them sharing. They are lil’ buddies & close as can be.
Adding new siblings is a blessing as long as you are doing it for the rightreasons. I am not saying they will never fight or have difficulties at times adjusting, but ultimately you are increasing your children’s chances at becoming less selfish people & more empathetic towards others (if done in the right way). Mommies you can do it, don’t let it intimidate you. There may be times you have to step away a minute & take a deep breath, readjust some things, or squeeze in a date night. But being a mother is the most fulfilling thing in my experience & my greatest accomplishment. Nothing brings me more joy in this life, nothing.
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